on 77.26% of the fronts of my life right now, things are very nice. i am happy at work, family stuff is good, friends stuff is okay, seven is healthy (if not a little bit chubby), working on my goals etc.
and yet, i feel defeated in 22.74% of my life today. it is not, by the way, ruining my day by any means. it's just there. looking at me.
i do not like this feeling. i pride myself on my optimism but it seems that i cannot be "enough" for someone in my life right now and that makes me so very sad. i'm either amazing, wonderful, and encouraging; or not supportive, chronically pessimistic, and making this person feel awful and unloved quite frequently. there is no grey area.
i don't ever want to make someone feel like that and i don't know what in the world i can do to change it. i feel like i am being pushed deeper into something that i can neither figure out nor get out of.
not only that but i feel awful frequently as well. partially because i seem to make someone i care about so miserable. i know i have been going through a lot over the past year but i really have been making solid efforts to try to mend the characteristics of my being that have grown rough and calloused through the trials of becoming the ravishing psychological delight you know and love.
i don't believe that i am this beast unprovoked. i would really like to be happy and be enjoying my youth while i still have it. i seem to find myself in this place more frequently than i would like. on to how to stop the cycle...
more cheerful posts to come!
p.s. 52 days without cigarettes! yay!!!!
adieu for now,
lu
2 comments:
I'm not necessarily one to offer adivce, because hi, but there's always the me/you thing. How much of it is your perception, and how much of it is their perception of you/them/the moon?
It's always a grey area, but maybe finding a way to navigating it is easier than navigating a totally black or white area? (Also, you could totally be Flight of the Navigator, so.)
In the end, I think we're all screwed up in some way. Mend corners, learn how to work with/around those screwed up parts is what makes the measure.
Also, "the ravishing psychological delight you know and love" so needs to be on a sticker/shirt. Just sayin'.
thanks lady, it means a lot.
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