Tuesday, April 28, 2009

ask and to thine own self be lu

i'm getting some alone time this week. at work, at home. thank goodness. not that i don't love having my wonderful friends and family around. i just need alone time sometimes. a lot actually. more than i ever needed but hey, it's where i am right now. bah. enough of that.

onto how happy i am with myself today.

*i'm drinking more water. in fact, due to the plague i suffered last week and still have a lasting cough from, i haven't had coffee in 7 days! which is insane because i usually drink coffee like there'll never be another cup offered to me ever again.

*i wrote for 7 minutes yesterday, but i wrote for about 24 minutes today to make up for it.

*as you know, i bought the typewriter yesterday. it's already shipped and i'm like a kid at a birthday party, hopped up on brownies and waiting to tear into my present.

*and though i didn't clean or do laundry yesterday, i practiced patience with someone that has a tendency to push every single one of my buttons. i can't said i entirely succeeded. but it meant something to me to practice the aforementioned virtue.

on an unrelated note, i'm a little butt-hurt about some things a couple of people said to me recently. now, usually i'm used to this kind of under-the-breath comment by one and intense frankness by the other. but i'm getting to the point in my life where i may just explode if i hear these things one more time.

note to the world: just because i am a gregarious person and like to be silly and loud sometimes does not mean that the things people tell me about myself which are, to them, major character flaws as a human being don't hurt a little. they hurt a lot actually. a fault of mine is vulnerability. i'm too open with myself and sometimes i question why the friends in my life that are so uncomfortable about it that they come out with these comments on my person and what is "wrong" about me that they feel so compelled to tell me so. like always, i act like i don't care. but i do.

i try to be accepting of people's quirks. each one of my friends has a weirdness quotient that cannot be denied but i don't say things under my breath to them to make them feel bad about it. dear god, i hope i don't! i try to tell them how it makes them more lovable to me. because almost always, it does.

i don't know. today i have that on the back burner of my mind. perhaps i will belly up to the table and have the gumption to put someone in their place the way they always try with me (and have yet to fully succeed- adds the stubborn side of me). i'm usually so afraid to say anything to anyone about how they hurt me. i'd rather ask everyone else i know if i'm crazy to be hurt by that. but that, i have decided, is not the way to do things anymore. comes across as too immature or gossipy (which i despise!). perhaps because i love these people, it's the least i could do to say something honest.

so says the band cake and so say i: "perhaps, perhaps, perhaps".

til next time

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