Friday, April 17, 2009

it's not ennui, it's off-ui.

i'm not sure how accurate it is that we are transitioning from the age of aquarius to the age of pisces or not. i did, however, hear it on npr; therefore i believe it to be true. but i can't say that i'm not shocked every day now that everything around me is swirling, changing, growing, falling away. evolving, so to speak, into a new beast.

i think i'm coming into it a much better place. a year ago, i wouldn't have recognized the me i would hypothetically meet on the street if i were a time traveler.

i have been struggling to attain not only chemical stability, keeping my head above water in regard to the depression that seeps so steathily into my life at times; but also my personal issues.

i talk things out. i hash. and it comes off, in my opinion, as catty or inappropriate. i never know if this is normal or not. i'm an only child and find that i stumble across "appropriate human behaviour" from people that don't seem to actually perform the aforementioned appropriate human behaviour themselves.

anyway, i'm trying rather hard to be a solid, great friend to my friends, family, loved ones. not letting my odd neuroses kick me in the pants. learning new things, creating things, teaching myself to open my heart in actual joy for people's successes when i fall short of my own type of success in the meantime.

senor mas is an inspiration in regard to this phenomenon. he is reading books by osho, learning how to read music (which he has always wanted to do) and is being a very loving and attentive boyfriend. there is a peace about him that did not exist when we met last september. very cool. very very cool.

meanwhile i have friends that i have conflicting opinions on about this. like it's my place to have any opinion on it at all.

some are repeatedly kicking their own asses in regard to life choices and the cycle of: make mistake, dread mistake, kick own ass, make bigger mistake, beat the shit out of self, make original mistake again because its not as bad as bigger mistake.

now, i've been there. i am in no way saying that i have not. in fact, i have co-authored the book How to Screw Up Repeatedly & Have People Pity &/or Despise You. but it hurts to watch amazing, dynamic people, my chosen family, as it were, do this to themselves.

i guess i am frustrated because i want to help and the only way i got through the worst of my was with their help and the knowledge that i am human and humans make lots of mistakes but are capable of great change.

on that note, i wish to send out the most positive energy into the world today for all of us struggling with life's complicated niches.

me, my family, my friends, and my loved ones are strong, wise, and capable of great things. we will achieve. let us not destroy ourselves in our lack of perfection.

i'm metaphorically sending that up on a silver piece of paper tucked into a red balloon and off into the atmosphere it goes. *

happy friday all.

*silver and grey are significant colours for following through with things in the helpful people/travel gua of feng shui. red is a colour of protection.

No comments: