Thursday, February 18, 2010

in a matter of weeks

guess who's eating solid food again?! this little skeleton, that's who! it's the little victories, man. hello, friends. 'tis thursday and i am not 100% but i'm cruising at a welcome 58-60%. i've been laid up in bed since sunday night and on antibiotics (which i'm sure i've mentioned but i'll say again that i detest) for three days. i'm enjoying intermittent bouts of energy followed by "thank goodness the bed is near" crashes. i'm really hoping to be back at work tomorrow for i have used almost every bit of annual leave i had accumulated to fund this fabulous failure of my immune system.

yesterday was the beginning of lent. i gave something up but i'm too superstitious to talk about it for fear of jinxies. i'm in a good place although my head is still super duper fuzzy, but i have to admit that i'm doing a typical "lu" thing as of late. i have a tendency to look ahead and start bracing myself for stuff i know is coming. well, in a matter of weeks three big things are happening. first, my best friend is moving away. my go-to, my weekly dinner pal, my gal. i have been through every nook and cranny of this plan with her. every fear, every success, every stress and here it is. my girl is leaving. normally when i'd be this sad she'd be the one to take me to fermentation lounge and have a drink with me while we talk about boys and books, and goals and music. i am going to miss her being in this town with me. and i have been grieving quite a bit in anticipation.

second, a new friend in my life who i have enjoyed immensely, have created a special and cool bond with and have shared some really awesome times with is leaving within a few days of my best girl. talk about a double-whammy. if one was leaving i could at least get a hug from the other you know? but both! ish. now this is on a totally different level than my girl leaving but it is still intense and bittersweet. it's not every day you find special connections with people.

this is how it tends to happen in my life though. things tend to get swiped away all at once and it is overwhelming. the many times it has happened before forces me to have to figure out how to adapt and how to live without. tough nuggets, but there it is. it all happens for a reason. i would love to know what that reason is though because i'm tired of building character, i'd like to just build happiness.

third, i'm moving out of the shack. it's breaking my heart. every day i walk through the house and think, "i'm not going to have another spring in this house" or "i'm not going to have another random wednesday that my girl will stop over with wine and some crazy dish she'd made and we'll spend the whole night talking about life and laughing in this house". i know i'm sentimental. but this was my first place to myself. my first place where i didn't have to depend on anyone but myself. i made some pretty substantial changes to my life here and made myself and seven a home here.

and though i know that i will be okay in a matter of weeks and that i will have a place to stay. it still feels like in that little matter of weeks i'm going to have three limbs ripped off. it's all happening at once and i am completely grieving the losses already.

i have wonderful people in my life that will step in and let me weep and snot all over them (like i am doing as i write this) after all these changes occur. i am so grateful for those people that do truly know how sad i will be then. but, i cannot help but mourn that soon i won't hear my best friend's laugh across our favourite watering hole whenever i want, or get to take long walks in the cold with my other friend every weekend; or sit at my table in my dining room and look around my first home dappled in the late morning light while i sob and write a blog.

this is what happens when i'm left to my own devices people. this is how my big, fat heart works.
i'll be fine and i do know everything will be cool. i am just sad and sentimental and needed to vent.
adieu for now, i've once again exhausted myself.
*today's pic: late morning light.

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