Tuesday, January 5, 2010

it's a long post but please read it, friends.

alright kids, here's the scoop. i stubbed the toe of my soul recently. well, it's been a long, painful, repetitive, masochistic soul-stubbing that has lasted several weeks (years actually) but only today did i figure out a way to not only find the band-aids, but also how to use them; and perhaps find a new way of walking so as not to stub dem toes like that anymore. confused? no worries.
i have acquired a yearning for peace over the past few years. well, i didn't acquire it as much as fought tooth-and-nail for the right to feel as if i deserve it. leaving the battlefield with not just flesh wounds but severed limbs. i have nursed myself back to health (and even let people help reattach hands and legs a little here and there too...imagine that!) but hit a dip in this recovery as of late.
over any stretch of time you can imagine, i have successfully beaten myself into a bloody pulp physically and emotionally. now let me also say this is not a continous feeling but it rears its ugly head every so often and sufficiently kicks my ass when it does. regardless, today i fully realized i have had enough.
anyway, throughout my life, some form of chaos or drama has felt relatively normal at times. i don't know what that says about me, or my past, or my childhood yadda yadda yadda. it's just the truth. i had worked for a while and had finally gotten to a place where when things were quiet, i didn't panic anymore. that is until recently.
this all sounds worse than it really is (i have a tendency to over-describe ala dickens). but to me, the self-flagellation came from the fact that i have created cycles for myself that keep me in chaos because it feels "safe" and it really boils down to fear.
many moons ago i acknowledged that i have a monumental fear of failure. it's kind of hilarious if you know me because i'm the most public fail-er around. if i'm going to fall flat on my ass it's going to be in front of every person i know. but the truth is, i know how to do that. i know how to fail. i fail at all kinds of things all the time. why is it that a fear of failure keeps me doing these things over and over again? it's because i fear failing at the things i want the most. i know, it's some deep stuff. hang in there, though.
i have wanted to leave the little nest of a town i live in for a very long time. but i've been terrified for a myriad of reasons. leaving family, my support group, money, comforts etc. but what i'm really afraid of doing is saying goodbye to my memories. of stepping out of the sepia-toned safety of this little universe and into the blinding light and frightening shadows of the life i have always dreamed of. a life in which i do not keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. that world is foreign and doesn't yet make any sense to me. *ha! upon re-reading that sentence i must admit that i am aware i will make new mistakes if i can manage to stop making the old ones no matter where i live.
several weeks ago a barrage of love, amends, and well-wishes began to swell around me. i cast a lot of old baggage into the river and made room for new people to join my world. very cool stuff.
the epiphany that boxed my ears today was that i need to stop following the white rabbits of my life (and we each have several of our own). i am a big girl in many facets of my life but not all of the important ones. that is where i need to grow. long story long...i am making room for positive, life-changing things to happen to me, and for me by exiting the scarcity-focused world i am used to (what is wrong with me? why do i do this? why do i say that?) and entering an abundance-focused world by giving to others.
today, i finished reading 29 Gifts. i am going to begin this challenge for myself this week. 29 gifts (time, money, anything!) given with love and intention for 29 days. i will not post about this as the experiment is in progress because i want each to be uniquely given and received without any concern about what people think of it etc.
i mention it because...well, this is big for me. i want the people who know me and care enough to check in here with me to know that a big, happy realization occurred today and that i am feeling exceptionally optimistic, peaceful, and even attempting this pesky thing called forgiving myself for being human.
you my friends, all play a part in this acknowledgement. if i didn't have your lovely souls in my world, i wouldn't understand the concept of gratitude in the sincere manner in which i do.
stay with me, folks. it will only get better. i sincerely care for each of you and thank you for taking the time to join me.
adieu for now,


Adrienne said...

Yay you! It's been a long time comin woman. Glad you got on the train with me. This train is leaving the station with no destination in mind, just to simply to provide a journey filled with adventures. love you love you love you

lulu said...

thanks friend, i thought i had had that pattern whupped until recently. glad to have gotten some clarity. love you love you love you love you love you too and your opus.