Saturday, January 30, 2010

cards in the spokes.

today is beautiful. windows open, little chippy finches in the trees outside. it's a lazing about kind of beautiful. just got home after a fabulous brunch & browse with my lady friend. now i'm contemplating the many projects that need to be done at the shack.

in fact, i am contemplating a lot today. surprised? yeah, me either. but i'm feeling light about things. i know i've set things into motion for some positive changes in my i just have to figure out what kind of changes they need to be.

i'm thinking on a weird timeline too. jumping back and forth on different places in the time orbit. wondering what i'm going to make for dinner then what i want to do for my next career move. thinking about when to do laundry today and what i should be doing/living etc. by march 1st then october 1st. replaying conversations and events from last night's redpainting of the town and replaying conversations and events from years prior.

i've been thinking a lot about how differently i am going to try to live for the next six to seven months. how will i be able to scrimp and save and occupy my time without falling into the same spending/wilding cycles. should i try to pick up a second job so i can squirrel away more cash or should i devote my free time to making things to sell on the etsy shop i have been neglecting?

i'm a big believer in following one's intuition. every time i neglect mine it has unfortunate repurcussions. the problem i am facing is that my gut is not being very vocal. it's allowing my mind to confuse it so.

i feel pulled to so many things and so many places. places i have never even been to! i have my eyes on all types of potential careers and after listening to many many opinions about what i should do next, i ask my gut and it says "meh" with shrugged shoulders. what? since when is my gut a wishy washy wallflower? it's usually got sparklers in its teeth and is fond of jazz hands and megaphones. hmmm...

perhaps i need more silence in my life so that whatever it is my gut is trying to tell me can actually be heard. there has been an uproarious, disheveled sparkletini of a pixie making studio 54 out of my mind lately. which has its time and place but the time and place does not feel so appropriate at this juncture.

now i have to focus. my body and mind are great at telling me when to do that. isn't it funny that i can't just say i am good at doing that? my mind, body, party pixie, and gut all seem to exist as separate entities within me. it's pretty accurate. sometimes i do feel like i'm the only one at the party and sometimes i feel like i bring the entire cast of characters with me. i mean that in a sane way...i'm not sybil; or anne heche for that matter.

aaaanyway, sufficed to say i am inspired. i want to hold onto that. i want to get things done. like yesterday. i want to also enjoy this little bit of time i have with my friend before she leaves. it's hard to find a balance for all of that and maintain my cool when little glimpses into the future show me rather lonely.

alright. thanks for riding on the handlebars of my mental bicycle. i wish i had a little bell to ring as i bid a fond adieu to y'all for the day. brrrring brrrring. eh, good enough!
'til next time, folks!

1 comment:

Susanne said...

the hardest thing in the world to do is to be still and just be. I know, I know ,it goes against our project oriented selves, but just try it. Cut off the blasted phone and texting, turn off the music and just be.... see what happens next.xxxooo