Tuesday, March 30, 2010

ranty pants

hey kiddos, 'tis tuesday. wanna know what i learned this morning? i learned that geckos (and pretty much all quick-moving lizards) scare the hell out of me and i will screech like a little girl when one of them runs out in front of me. i couldn't really tell you what freaks me out about them other than the fact that they move very quickly and are squiggly; but i was thisclose to jumping onto a chair.
however, being the self-sufficient woman that i am, despite my "ACK!!'s" and "ew!!'s", i removed him (or her) from the store unharmed. i even checked on it later to make sure it was still okay. i am proud of myself for that because one thing i dislike more than little fast bitey lizards chasing me around, is killing something. i even feel guilty if i accidentally squish a spider (though they kind of scare me too and LOVE to bite me specifically).
all of this is to say, i like that i can take care of myself, even in such simple terms as gecko removal. i like that i can confront my fears...sometimes. i still haven't figured out how to sing in front of people without having my throat close up from anxiety, but i will.
i do have a problem with allowing people to help me. call it stubbournness or what have you. it seems in the past, often when i woud ask for help with something, it would end up being an issue, or inconvenient or worse, something to be held over my head for years on end. yadda yadda. not every time and not by every person i asked for help from, but pretty significant and even minor incidences throughout the years have made me terribly gun-shy in letting people help me. alas, i have conditioned myself to say 90% of the time that i don't need help with anything. i even felt bad asking someone to walk my dog for me when i was super sick last month and couldn't get out of bed or feed myself for four days.
i have practiced over the years, that 10% where i do ask for assistance when i need it. i had wonderful results with it when i was moving apartments a few weeks ago. awesome people took the time to say, "why yes, lulu. i would love to help". but it was still hard to get me to agree to it in the first place even though i KNEW i totally needed the aid. crazypants, man!
to me, it's frightening to ask for a favour from anyone. right before i ask, i get that feeling in my stomach like there's an animal burrowing in it; the way i felt before i jumped out of the airplane a few years ago.
i'm not sure exactly what the issue is; fear, rejection, vulnerability, they're all factors. and quite frankly i can handle a lot. i also realize that the worst thing someone could say is "no", in theory anyway. so what's the biggie, man? really.
who would have thought being terrified of a gecko smaller than my pinky finger would throw me into such a funny tangent about one of my quirky and annoying personality traits? well, you check in with me often, so i'm sure you're used to it by now.
well, this is me today. i'm quite amused by my rant. i hope your day is beautiful and a lot less complex than this stream of consciousness was.
adieu for now,


Susanne said...

Don't give up on asking for help . It does make us vulnerable and puts us on the line , but just because people say no sometimes doesn't mean they don't love us , it may be not a good time , or maybe they are just not feeling great , but don't give up on people because they do disapoint , its sometimes just human nature. Last year I learned to ask for help and more importantly to accept help from people when it was offered . Very humbling. Very on the line .xxoo

lulu said...

you're totally right, mama. it's super hard to accept it. hey thank you for the great talk-up at dinner tonight and the wonderful encouraging words on the ole blog. i love you mama. you are a blessing in my life. biggest smooch! ~lu