Tuesday, December 15, 2009

a longy but a goody

good morning kids! sorry for the weekend absence. well, i had a weekend and it was superfun. i will be recovering for about a week because i can't hang like i used to. hell, even when i was young, i couldn't hang like i did this weekend. good lord, i should qualify for some sort of medal or something.
anyway, life is good today. i woke up after ten hours of what some would call sleep. i would call it a nocturnal rhythmic dancing marathon in which i participated in a semi-conscious state. but i awoke in a deep, heavy, contemplative state of mind. as the morning has wandered on, i have deduced only a couple of reasons for it.

1. that whole deciding within the next two weeks where i'm going to be living "for the next year" is haunting me and my mind can't be still or creative about it.
2. i really need to get back in my healthier lifestyle. what happened to that vegetarian pilates girl i used to be? my thighs and my internal organs would like to know.
3. the reality that one of my closest friends won't be living in this city anymore come spring took my breath away this morning. woah. i'm a little bit of a sentimental schmuck and am already thinking of the things we should do before she's gone. i need a hug.
4. why the heck am i still in tallahassee? seriously. i don't want to be far from my parents but, i have no reason to be here except that bitch of a magnetic field over by the tallahassee mall.
5. money. debt. money. bills. money. net worth. money. argh.

now that i have written just a few of these down, i feel a little lighter. and i'm also feeling grateful. i have been a lot lately which is rad.
so, to create a nice dichotomy for my post today...some things i am grateful for.

1. new friends. i'm socially exhausted after this weekend but needed a day like sunday. we all sat around and had champagne and listened to records and laughed. then we ate, and watched you tube, had some more champagne, and laughed even more. i know i will need a week of convalescing to be able to make it through the holidays in one piece but i haven't made it through the holidays in one piece in years so...whatevs. i'm grateful for the awesome company this weekend.
2. old friends. it's taken a long time to weed out the ones worth nurturing and i am overwhelmed by the wonderful connections i have. what an fantastic blessing! come to find out, i can be just as stingy with my oldies as i can be with my newbies but i am soooo glad i merged the two together this weekend. it was so cool to have an awesomeness showdown between them. everyone won!
3. my ability to care. sometimes it gets me in trouble because i care too much. but i do care, tremendously. i wonder if perhaps that is one of the things i should think about when considering a new profession. hmmm...can i get a job as a professional hugger and carer? in all seriousness, i'm grateful that that piece of me hasn't been broken after all these years.
4. encouragement. i have had a lot of people say some very supportive and encouraging things this week. i don't know why i am so challenged to believe people. i'm so afraid of failure that it freezes me. the thing is, i have failed plenty of times and not beaten myself up. i reckon, my fear with this subject in particular (intentionally vague) is that i want this so much that if i fail, it will hurt a million times worse. *sigh* long story short. i am truly grateful for the amazing, kind words of encouragement in regard to this issue. it gives me hope that i perhaps may not fail afterall. and if i do, i tried and that's cool.
5. that people read this blog. as silly as it sounds. it's nice to know now after almost a year of doing this, that i have this little corner all to myself that i can share with people that want to read it. who want to hear about my life and who have some form of daily amusement from the carnival that is my mind. thank you for sharing this with me.
*yes, i did just get a little emotional.

adieu for now, friends!


Jenny Leigh D. said...

aww, I get emotional when I write too!! Its like a super intimate window into someones soul, writing is, at least for some-I think its the artisically inclined. :) Written words are just that much more powerful!

"bitch of a magnetic field over by the tallahassee mall" tell me about it...The dollar theater eats up all my money too!! lol

You are awesome. This was an exceptionally awesome blog that really felt Lulu! I love your honesty and heartfelt words. They are so very inspiring and I love getting a little peak into your world through them.

Keep that chin up! I know how hard it is to watch a bff leave town...I've got 2 leaving this month. Distance SUCKS but it definetly gives you one more likely vacation spot!!

Love you, Lu!! You are awesome and I'm extra proud of you this year! Who knew a little part time job would make me so much richer? :)

susanne conner said...

I am very proud of you sweetie. You are a relational person that is evident, you feel others pain . the downside of this is that we relational people live with much pain all of our lives, things agonize us that the rest of the world sloughs off and goes on, we get down often. but the upside is is that we can soar with happiness and are deep and complex, in other words we are get it, we get what we are here for and we put ourselves on the line daily. We love.... and that is what God put us here for... to love one another. Have a blessed and grateful day.xxxooo